


Til' all my sleeves are stained red

by BlazersEtc



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 11:04:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11012145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazersEtc/pseuds/BlazersEtc
Summary: Alec Lightwood has kept a dark secret for longer than he cares to remember. It takes him fourteen years to really open up about it, and a certain Warlock is there to help.





	Til' all my sleeves are stained red

**Author's Note:**

> Before you read this I need to say a few quick things:
> 
> 1\. The childhood part of the story is based on my own experiences in real life. This is not a made up story, and this took a lot of convincing for me to post publically. If this is too much for you to handle, I'd suggest closing your window now. This writing insn't made to make you feel any certain way, it's just supposed to be as honest as possible.  
> 2\. The ending his based on what the only friend I've shared this with (until now) told me. It would not be everyone's reaction, nor am I sure it's the right reaction but it was what I came up with.  
> 3\. The goal of this was not fluff or romance but more healing for Alec, with the help of Magnus. I hope that this fic helps others out there who are/have struggled with the same thing.

Alec is only eight years old when it happens. He doesn't understand the gravity of it, doesn't understand that what's happening is not normal. It's a night like any other spent at the Orlando Institute. Alec is staying with a fellow Shadowhunter, Grayson, for a night of pizza and video games (a mundane thing that is slowly getting popular in Idris) while their parents work on some project together. Alec isn't one for video games (why use fake weapons on fictional zombies when he'll be fighting real demon soon enough?) but he also doesn't want to make Grayson feel bad for sharing something he loves with Alec, so he stays quiet and watches from his sleeping bag. Grayson finally gives up and tosses the controller down on the floor and crawls into his own sleeping bag, just a foot from Alec's own, and grins at Alec.

"Want to know a secret?" Alec has never understood why Grayson gets so excited about breaking his parent's rules (Alec knows for a fact that his parents had told him no video games tonight) and he's sure the next words out of Grayson's mouth will be ones he doesn't agree with.

"Sure." Alec props his chin up on his elbows and waits for his friends to say what's on his mind.

"I know of a way for us to be best friends forever!"

Alec's eyebrows furrow, he's never had a best friend before, "Like parabatai?"

Alec hasn't thought about having a parabatai,really, the idea of sharing so much of himself, half of his soul, with someone else is a little scary (though he would consider it if it were with the right person); he's not sure Grayson is that person however, he gets on Alec's nerves far too often for that.

"No, even better! It's a friendship ritual that only the best of friends do. I saw it on TV."

Alec tries not to look too disgusted at the idea of a mundane tradition but he frowns a little, not sure what Grayson is talking about, he's never heard of any mundane friendship ceremonies, then again he doesn't really pay too much attention to mundanes; But Alec doesn't have many friends and Grayson is one of the only boys his age that will hang out with him, so how could he say no?

"Um, okay?"

"Awesome!" Grayson grins and slips out of his sleeping bag and comes over to Alec's, slipping inside with him. Alec moves away slightly, not a fan of people in his personal space (with the exception of Izzy) but Grayson doesn't back away, instead he crawls on top of Alec.

"What-"

"Shhhhh. I've seen this tons of times. " Grayson acts like he's done this with all his friends before and Alec suddenly is afraid to say no, what if he says no and Grayson doesn't talk to him anymore? What if he doesn't want to be friends? So Alec doesn't say anything and waits for Grayson to explain.

"When best friends prove that they're best friends they do this thing....they rub their privates together."

Alec's face suddenly feels hot and he looks around uncomfortably. He's never been naked in front of anyone before and he would very much like to keep it that way; but then he looks at Grayson's eyes, eager and almost threatening in a way. Alec suddenly feels fear unlike ever before, he doesn't want to lose his only friend.

In the time Alec has managed to go through the thought process Grayson has slid both of their sweats down to their thighs, bare skin meets bare skin and Alec's nose scrunches up in disgust. It's weird and he feels...wrong. His stomach turns the way it does when he thinks about breaking the rules. He can't explain it but he feels like he's doing something bad and Grayson is just lying there on top of him. Alec wants to shove him off, tell him he doesn't want to be best friends if it takes this, but he's too scared to do it.

After a few seconds, Grayson shifts around a little, pressing their penis's together and causing weird sensations to run through Alec's body. Moments later Grayson rolls off of him and pulls his sweats back up, crawling back into his sleeping bag.

"We're best friends now!" He declares, looking excited and happy; but Alec just feels dirty and wants to go home.  
++++++  
It's only a year later that Alec makes another friend, Dylan, who is his partner in crime. He's younger than Alec, by two years, but he understands Alec more than the other boy's at the Institute seem to and they get along better than most of the other Institutes kids. They spar together all the time, training for when they'll finally be allowed to fight with the adults, it's a long way off but it doesn't seem so far off with Dylan at his side.

Today Alec and Dylan are hiding away in the gardens. Dinner is almost ready and the usually bright room is growing dark overhead. It's time for Alec to be going back to his room to where Robert and Mayrse are waiting; but Dylan wants to stay for a quick spar in the firefly light ('It'll be like a real demon hunt! All dark with only the lights to guide us!') and Alec just can't refuse his best friend.

They end up tangled together on the grass after Alec had taken Dylan down with a kick to the ankles and Dylan is laughing while Alec spits out grass that he got in his mouth when he tripped over Dylan's fallen form.

"I'm so glad you're my best friend. No one else is this much fun." Dylan's words are said with a grin but It's in that moment that Alec feels a bit sick. Best friends. Best friends had to do the friendship ceremony, the one Alec hated the first time he was told he had to do it.

"You know...there is a thing, that my old best friend told me best friends have to do to make their friendship official." Alec's voice waivers at the words, not wanting to bring it up but thinking he has to.

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's uh...I can show you?" Alec suddenly feels so sick to his stomach that he's sweating and he can hear his heartbeat in his ears. Dylan sits up on his knees and gives Alec an easy grin.

"Sure man." Dylan agrees, looking at Alec expectantly.

The boys are hidden in the far corner of the gardens, laying on the grass by the gorgeous flowering bushes. Alec nervously sits up on his knees as well and grabs at his waistband, moving closer to Dylan.

"Just...uh... pull your pants down a little." Alec says quietly, feeling like something is very wrong but not knowing what; why does he have such a problem doing a normal friendship thing?

"I...I don't think this is a good Idea, Alec."

"It's what you have to do to be best friends." Alec's voice is instant, he needs to get this over with so he can forget it-he sounds scared, even in his own ears.

"I don't think I want to." Dylan looks as uncomfortable as Alec feels and it makes Alec feel even worse.

"I thought you said we were best friends?"

"Okay, fine." Dylan easily slides his shorts down and Alec stops him when they're down far enough for his penis to spring free. Alec does the same and comes closer, his entire face red and his stomach turning.

"Uh, then we just uh, bump them together and it's done." Alec mumbled, brushing their bodies together. Dylan nods and lets Alec do it and when Alec pulls back and pulls his own shorts back up he feels like he's going to throw up.

"There you are! I-what are you doing?" Dylan jumps and quickly pulls his shorts up, his whole face turning red when he spots his older sister Asa, who's looking at them with wide eyes.

"Were you just...touching each other?!" Alec's eyes go wide and he does the only thing he can think of to do- he lies.

"What? No! We were sparring! The fireflies are demons!" Alec thinks the excuse is close enough to the truth that she'll believe it but she looks unfazed.

"Dylan, we're going back to your room." And with that Asa took Dylan by the arm and drug him away.  
_____  
A report is filed only a few days later and Mayrse is livid, ranting on and on about how silly the accusations are and Alec has never felt so horrible in his life. He was forced to do this and now he's done the same to someone else-and it's all because he was too scared to not have friends. Alec wants to cry but he can't, because if he cries they'll know. They can't know. Not ever.

When the lady from Idris interviews Alec she tells him that if the accusations are true he'll be sent to another institute, away from his parents, and so when she asks if they ever touched each other's privates (Alec tries not to squirm uncomfortably at the words) he lies through his teeth, tells her they've never touched each other like that, why would they?

When she finally leaves Alec feels like he's done the wrong thing for lying, but he can't imagine life without Izzy or his parents and he tries to remind himself that he did the right thing. The charges are claimed to be invalid, the Lightwood name holding up and Alec's ability to lie paying off.

Dylan's family leaves for the Arizona Institute just two weeks later. Dylan meets Alec in secret to say goodbye and tells him he's going to miss him for the rest of his life.  
______________  
Jace is the first person to find out. It's late, far past midnight, as he and Jace lay in the gardens together, watching the stars through the glass ceiling. They've been parabatai for years and Alec still hasn't had the courage to tell Jace what happened, too afraid that if Jace found out who he'd shared his soul with he'd never want to see him again.

Alec gets lost in his thoughts and is only broken out of them when Jace speaks.

"I know." Alec looks towards Jace his eyes wide, not quite understanding.

Jace reaches down to take Alec's hand, a gesture that sends butterflies through Alec's stomach, though he knows Jace doesn't mean it in the way he truly wants, Jace is just more physically affectionate than verbally and he feels the safest with Alec.

"You don't have to tell me. I don't need details. But if you need to talk, I'm here."

Alec nods, a quiet and broken 'thank you' falls from his lips and Jace holds his hand for the rest of the time they stay in the garden. Alec doesn't give Jace any details, not really, but now Jace knows and that makes it a little easier to handle.  
_______________________

Alec sighs as he looks up nervously at the roof of Magnus's bedroom, his stomach is doing somersaults as he waits for Magnus to get home. He knows he needs to tell Magnus, right now before they get in too deep, before this whole thing falls apart because Alec is too disgusting to keep around. He doesn't deserve Magnus, doesn't deserve love. He texts Magnus, knowing he'll lose his nerve if he has to start this conversation face to face.

Alec: Magnus...what....if I'm a rapist?

Alec tosses his phone to the side and rubs violently at his eyes, Magnus is going to hate him, as soon as he gets all of the details he's going to end it, Alec is sure. When the door opens, Alec knows who it is and for once, Alec isn't excited to see Magnus. There are no happy butterflies in his stomach, no excited energy running through his veins; he only feels dread creeping in from every corner.

"Darling, what's this about?" Magnus closes the door behind him and kicks off his boots before coming lay next to Alec on top of the covers.

Alec bites his lip and looks down at the satiny fabric, his entire body is shaking and he can already feel the tears coming on.

"I...you know....about when I was younger," Alec had told Magnus the short version once, over text because he was too scared to say it out loud. "...about the guy who..." Alec trails off, the look in Magnus's eyes tells him that he understands without him having to say it. "Well.....a year later....I told the same thing to someone else. I convinced them. I hated it, I didn't want to do it, I swear but I thought I had to! I...Magnus, what if I'm a rapist?"

Alec is crying now, his heart feels like it's breaking because his younger self didn't know what sex was, he'd never been told and he didn't watch TV, but now he did know what it was and he'd been carrying it around for so long that he felt as if he was breaking. No demon attack had ever made him feel this worthless. Magnus easily pulled Alec into his body, wrapping his arms around Alec the way that always helped soothe the other when he didn't feel well. When Magnus had first learned of Alec's past he'd been careful with touch, as if it would set the taller boy off, but Alec had quickly set the record straight, saying that as long as he wasn't angry, he preferred touch when he was upset.

"You are not a rapist, Alexander. You were a child, you didn't know what was happening to you. You didn't do anything wrong."

Magnus's voice is so full of sorrow that Alec can hardly stand it, he sobs into Magnus's chest and shakes his head.

"I'm a horrible person, Magnus. How can you possibly still want me, knowing that I did that? I should have known it was wrong. I'm just as bad as the person who did it to me. I shouldn't have suggested it, I should have-"

"Alexander, listen to me. You didn't know any better. You were told it was the right thing to do and you did it, even though you didn't want to, because you thought it was the right thing to do. When you suggested it, you still thought it was the right thing to do. You were an innocent child, Alec. I know you, you would never hurt someone on purpose. You don't need to feel guilty about this."

Magnus gently rubs at Alec's back as Alec cries, Magnus's words soothe him in ways he didn't know were possible. He'd needed to hear those words for so many years, but he hadn't had the courage to tell anyone the entire story until Magnus, and now that he had he felt like a weight had been lifted, at the same time his whole body felt numb from terror.

"I....I wish it had never happened. I feel so...so horrible. How can you possibly want me?" Alec's voice is quiet and broken, ready for Magnus to realize how horrible he is and leave him behind.

"Because of that. You feel bad because you're afraid that you hurt someone, that you broke a rule or that you're a bad person...because that is who you never want to be. You always want to be the best you can and hurting someone....that's not something you'd ever want, Alec. I don't blame you for any of it. I love you, Alec."

Alec can't find words, instead, he clings harder to Magnus and cries into his shoulder.

Later Alec will thank Magnus, later he'll try to write the words he needs and end up failing at them and Magnus will smile and tell Alec he doesn't need grand gestures of thanks for what any decent person should do-and Alec will far even farther in love.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
